Lies.

Do you ever feel like you're lying to yourself? Well, this week, I think that I have assuredly exposed myself as the biggest liar on the planet. I don't mean this in a "white lie", "caught-in-a-lie" kind of way, I mean this in a much deeper (and profoundly harder to admit) kind of way. For the past year, I have known somebody who has fundamentally changed who I am as a person. I have experienced every emotion toward this person possible. At times, I hate him. I don't mean hate, but fiery, burning, throw something hate. I am also convinced that on the opposite spectrum, I have absolutely 100% loved this person with all of my heart. He has challenged me, pushed me (towards the things I need, away from him), teased me, and most importantly, made me look at what it is that I value and why. When I first met him, I basically fell in love with his charm, charisma and personality right off the bat. What I didn't know is how much he would affect me. At the end of the summer, all of this finally came to a head when I told him one night that I thought I used to love him. Of course, this is absolutely the most absurd confession alive. This person does not and will not love me back. And I KNOW this. For a fact. So, why is it so hard to let him go? The reason is that I have been lying to myself. I tell myself that I don't love him. I convince myself that if I was skinnier, or prettier, or more laid back, or whatever, that he would love me. And, the truth is, that I don't believe it. I don't believe it for one second. He is a gorgeous, fascinating carat which is being dangled in front of me, but also one that I will never have. And, you know what? That's something that I have to accept. My single girlfriends and I often commiserate about the lack of single, available, good guys. I have been wondering alot lately though... how many guys are going to get involved with a girl who has all of this baggage from some other guy? Nobody... and that's the truth. So, if I'm ready to be un-single and un-miserable (thanks, "Wedding Date") then I will. This, of course, is much harder said than done. But, taking advice that he gave me once... Situations will happen... some of them I won't like, and some of them won't go the way I want... but also, I have the power to react to them- the power to shape my feelings about them. And for you, I can truthfully tell you this now... I love you now, I will probably always love you (if only as a fading memory), and I'm not afraid to admit it. Now, all I need to do is to accept the realities and start packing up my heart and moving on.