When life happens...

My Grandfather is dying. As I write this I sit in the living room at my grandparents' house, watching my grandpa take what may very well be his last, labored breaths. This whole dying thing is nothing new to me. I wish it wasn't the case, but I've lost a score of people throughout my life. And it never gets easier. In the past two days since, as my mom would say, "things have taken a turn for the worst", I have really been thinking a lot about the life my grandpa has lead, and what death means for us.

I think when we're younger, death is an abstract concept. Someone is here one day, then mysteriously the next they're gone. We're sad, but for reasons that we don't fully understand. It's like what is more upsetting is that we don't have a grasp on what happened, rather than the actual event. Does that make sense? I think this is why people are always seeking therapy for those traumatic events in their childhood. Because our little brains don't know how to process the pain.

Now, we're older. I'm older. And I understand. I have seen the toll that my grandfather's failing health has taken on my mom, on my uncle, on my grandmother. Death, instead of being a scary unknown will be a glorious release for my grandpa. I don't want him to go, but I don't want him to be here in pain, either. And there are so many more emotions that come with this logic. I go from sweet nostalgia to crying to laughing to silence, like I'm strapped in on some insane roller coaster. This is what death does to us. If we're smart, it makes us remember fondly all of the great times we had, all of the memories. As I sit here, looking at my sweet grandfather's face, I know that this is not how I will remember him. I'll remember him as the broad-chested strong man who held both my cousin and I, one in each arm. I'll remember him as my snowmobile instructor (and the digger-outer when I inevitably went somewhere he told me not to, and got stuck). I'm glad that I'm older. I'm glad that I have these memories - the ones that escape me from my loved ones that passed away in my childhood.

My grandfather will die. We will all die - but I think the lesson is to enjoy - as my uncle said, do something great everyday. My grandpa did a lot of great and amazing things with his life, and I can only hope to do half of the things that he did.