Inadequacy

Sometimes in my life, I have days when I think "I can't wait until I can get home and blog about this".  Most often, I get too busy or forget and my blog never gets written.  Today was such a struggle for me, though, that I felt compelled to write.  I have been struggling so much with inadequacy lately.  I work with youth, a calling I feel sure is one of the toughest around.  Not only do I need to provide them spiritual guidance, plan trips and retreats, and be around for them, but I have to have (or appear to have) my stuff together.  For some reason, I feel like I have been living under a veil of ignorance (or something more eloquently titled) for a long time.  I was discussing my spiritual problems with my best friend the other day, and she and I were talking about how much it sucks to be aware of what you're doing wrong.  It seems that up until last year, I was "blissfully ignorant", or maybe I was just better at justifying my mistakes.  My reality all came to a crashing halt on Friday when I made one of the worst choices that I have made in my life.  I don't mean this on a comparative scale, I have surely made far worse choices in the grand scheme of things, but this choice rocked me to my core.  I made a total fool of myself in front of a guy that I care about a lot and want nothing more than to make a good impression on, who is spiritually much more mature than me, in touch with God in a way I yearn for with my whole being.  I am notorious for being exceedingly hard on myself, and this instance is absolutely no exception.  Even though the guy and I have talked about it, and he has thankfully forgiven me, I still am having trouble reconciling this choice with my job, faith and life.  It seems like my mistakes have just been illuminated with a spotlight, and it has sent me into the darkness to try and hide.  What is so ironic about this is that the guy involved in this incident spoke in church this morning about taking your struggles and turning them into something positive.  He played a song after the message called Hide by Joy Williams.  The whole premise of the song is that no matter what you've done, or who you are, you don't have to hide from God.  His message touched so close to home for me - and then to have him have been involved in this situation just magnified it 100 times over again.  What it brought to the surface is many problems inherently within me that I have chosen not to confront over the years.  I constantly think that I have gotten over my baggage of my childhood; what I learn more as I get older is that confronting those problems is an ongoing process.  I am truly inadequate, but thankfully, God provides.  In order for God to become greater, I must become less, Humbly, and obediently.