Relationships

I have been thinking about relationships so much lately.  Most importantly, my relationship with God, but also relationships with friends, boys, past romantic relationships, and how all of these things have made me who I am today.  I have talked with several people recently about the function of relationships.  I thought for a long time that it was possible (and good) to get through life letting the fewest number of people in.  I have no idea when this happened to me.  I used to love extravagantly, completely, with my whole being.  When did I get cynical and shut other people out? I worked with a guy (who, speaking honestly, I was totally crazy about), and I used to talk to him all the time about why he wouldn't open up to me (or anybody else, for that matter).  I came to find out that he had gotten burned badly (mostly due to his own bad relationship decisions).  I used to pity him.  I thought, how in the world could he keep it all in, fitting barriers around his heart so that nobody can ever see totally inside? It is only recently that I have realized that I have become the same as him.  I have allowed my bitterness over previously failed relationships (with my Dad, ex-boyfriends, friends, etc) to cause me to shut people out.  I have become so good at crafting my facade that the people I meet only really get to see a small portion of who I really am.  Continuing in the vein of my previous post, I think that this is my struggle: Letting people in.  Yesterday, I was talking to my boss about my childhood.  We were talking about how a common acquaintance of ours had dedicated the song "Rich Girl" to me,  jokingly, but that in reality, he probably did think that I was nothing more than a rich girl.  If you know me, you know that is about the furthest from what I am.  I ended up telling my boss about my childhood (at least parts) and opening up to him about my family's financial situations when I was growing up, etc.  After I stopped telling him the story, he looked at me with an appalled look on his face.  I asked him why he had that look, and then asked him if I had ever told him all of that before.  He said that he had never heard any of it.  At that point, I really surprised myself- I have viewed myself for such a long time as being an open, transparent person, but really, all I have done is created a person on the outside that gives the impression on transparency, while really not revealing any of my true feelings or emotions.  This is something, I am sure, that I will struggle with every day, now that I know it is happening.  I just hope that I can have the strength to let people in, regardless of whether I will get hurt or not.  I think that I haven't had a relationship in a long time in part because of this.  Why would God put someone in my life when I won't show them the true 'me'? Why would God waste that person on me, when I have no idea how to show that person who I really am, flaws and scars included?  I know that God wouldn't.  The hard part is accepting that, and moving forward in an authentic and transparent way, being nothing more than who I am, who God created me to be.