Today, I got a call from my cousin Sara. She recently moved to Dallas and is nannying for the family I nannied for last year. She has been having alot of problems with the daughter of the family (9, and precocious) lately... Most of all, the daughter is rude, has a really bad attitude, and seems to get mad over the smallest things. As a disclaimer, you're probably thinking, oh, well, kids will be kids. No- I want to make it clear that this child exhibits the most adult set of emotions I have ever seen in a kid her age. It absolutely blows my mind. Anyway, so my cousin calls me and tells me that today they had a long chat in her car between her activities. Sara had finally had enough of the daughter's attitude and decided to approach her about it. When Sara asked her why she had been acting ridiculous, she burst into tears and told her that she just missed her dad (who is out of town for the whole week, and comes home on weekends), and that she wished that she saw her mom more often (A vice-president at a very successful locally based corporation). She went on to tell Sara that she was worried that Sara and I were going to leave her and that she wouldn't have anybody who loved her. This absolutely knocked the wind out of me. Sara launched into a conversation about how our lives have turned into the "Nanny Diaries". It is so true, though. When you take a normal job, you go to work, go home and repeat. But, with this little girl, we are actually affecting her. This little girl would be really affected if we were to walk out of her life. Which is a big responsibility. The major thing that is so upsetting to me is that it seems like her parents have no time for her. I was raised by modest parents, who had modest jobs and earned modest incomes. I can never once remember, however, as busy as they were thinking, "Why can't I spend more time with my Mommy/Daddy". There are so many amazing people in this world who are solid, and grounded, and want to be parents desperately who can never have their own kids. Why is it that we have parents who are never home, leave the raising of their kids to a nanny, and frankly are more concerned about raising "trophy children" than raising a well rounded human? I just feel so sad about this, and wish that there was something I could do. I guess that all I can do is try to be consistent for the kids and just to love on them and show them that I care... How I wish there was something more-

Lies.

Do you ever feel like you're lying to yourself? Well, this week, I think that I have assuredly exposed myself as the biggest liar on the planet. I don't mean this in a "white lie", "caught-in-a-lie" kind of way, I mean this in a much deeper (and profoundly harder to admit) kind of way. For the past year, I have known somebody who has fundamentally changed who I am as a person. I have experienced every emotion toward this person possible. At times, I hate him. I don't mean hate, but fiery, burning, throw something hate. I am also convinced that on the opposite spectrum, I have absolutely 100% loved this person with all of my heart. He has challenged me, pushed me (towards the things I need, away from him), teased me, and most importantly, made me look at what it is that I value and why. When I first met him, I basically fell in love with his charm, charisma and personality right off the bat. What I didn't know is how much he would affect me. At the end of the summer, all of this finally came to a head when I told him one night that I thought I used to love him. Of course, this is absolutely the most absurd confession alive. This person does not and will not love me back. And I KNOW this. For a fact. So, why is it so hard to let him go? The reason is that I have been lying to myself. I tell myself that I don't love him. I convince myself that if I was skinnier, or prettier, or more laid back, or whatever, that he would love me. And, the truth is, that I don't believe it. I don't believe it for one second. He is a gorgeous, fascinating carat which is being dangled in front of me, but also one that I will never have. And, you know what? That's something that I have to accept. My single girlfriends and I often commiserate about the lack of single, available, good guys. I have been wondering alot lately though... how many guys are going to get involved with a girl who has all of this baggage from some other guy? Nobody... and that's the truth. So, if I'm ready to be un-single and un-miserable (thanks, "Wedding Date") then I will. This, of course, is much harder said than done. But, taking advice that he gave me once... Situations will happen... some of them I won't like, and some of them won't go the way I want... but also, I have the power to react to them- the power to shape my feelings about them. And for you, I can truthfully tell you this now... I love you now, I will probably always love you (if only as a fading memory), and I'm not afraid to admit it. Now, all I need to do is to accept the realities and start packing up my heart and moving on.

Surprises

So lately I've been strugging alot with issues of judgement. Mostly because I have all of these pent up feelings and prejudices about things that are coming from my past, which realistically don't have anything to do with who I am at this moment or what it is that I currently believe in. Earlier tonight, I was on a duty round, and I went to the basement to check on a haywire washing machine. I heard someone playing this amazing jazz music on the piano. I sort of (stalkerishly, if that's even a word) looked over to see who it was. At first it looked like some big, brawny football guy, but I dismissed that immediately in my mind, because how could that be possible? I went on to check the washer in the laundry room, and came out, and to my surprise, it was the big, brawny football guy I had imagined. Being really nosy, I went to check the computer lounge near the piano, and found that not only was it any big, brawny football guy, but one I had given an alcohol violation at the beginning of the year, and who had acted like a total pain in the ass to me... So, I stopped and started listening to him. He and I proceeded to have a conversation about how his father made him play the piano, but that he was grateful because it was a really big part of his life now, and about how he really wanted to be a music major but that it potentially could conflict with football, and he didn't know what to do. Honestly, this conversation totally shocked me- And then, I started to think... why? It's because I'm judgemental. And I hate it. I think that it's something I really need to work on- This guy was frankly one of the best pianists I have ever heard, and our conversation was really good. I guess, at this point, all I can do is refer to a good ole Grey's Anatomy Quote- "Sometimes people surprise you, but once in a blue moon, people take your breath away..."