Desire

Desire.  A word with many connotations, I'm sure.  The connotation I'm currently thinking about could be applied to many situations, but what initially got me thinking about it was a relationship.  I have found myself yelling at God a lot lately, because something that I have wanted desperately has been just hanging out in front of me with no resolution for the better part of a month.  I've been angry at God because I could not (until this point) see what the point in me desiring something is that I can not have.  It's very frustrating to be a control freak (or a recovering one, as I like to think) in this kind of situation.  It is the kind of situation, of course, that I dread the most.  Doing everything I can do to control a situation, being driven by desire, or whatever it is, and not being able to get the outcome I want.  This has been one of the most difficult lessons to learn by far, but that is an entirely other post.  I got to arguing with God about the purpose of desire because I didn't see what kind of constructive purpose it serves.  I think that especially in my life, desire frequently gives way to an unhealthy desire. I get driven to do something (or have something) and I get fixated on it; I can't see any alternatives other than the outcome I think should happen.  This definitely makes me miss possibilities that I should pay attention to, and makes me hold on to ones that are implausible.  I have really struggled with this.  After a lot of prayer and reflection, I have realized, however, that desire is put in our hearts by God, whether it is desire for a person or for a career or for anything else in our lives.  Desire, at least the kind that lives in our heart of hearts, IS created by God, it just may point in directions other than the ones we readily see.  This is tough, but I think it answers the question of why we desire (even things that seem totally unavailable to us).  I just hope that in the future, I can not invest myself so much in the things that I want and listen more to WHY God is putting that desire in my life in the first place. 

Relationships

I have been thinking about relationships so much lately.  Most importantly, my relationship with God, but also relationships with friends, boys, past romantic relationships, and how all of these things have made me who I am today.  I have talked with several people recently about the function of relationships.  I thought for a long time that it was possible (and good) to get through life letting the fewest number of people in.  I have no idea when this happened to me.  I used to love extravagantly, completely, with my whole being.  When did I get cynical and shut other people out? I worked with a guy (who, speaking honestly, I was totally crazy about), and I used to talk to him all the time about why he wouldn't open up to me (or anybody else, for that matter).  I came to find out that he had gotten burned badly (mostly due to his own bad relationship decisions).  I used to pity him.  I thought, how in the world could he keep it all in, fitting barriers around his heart so that nobody can ever see totally inside? It is only recently that I have realized that I have become the same as him.  I have allowed my bitterness over previously failed relationships (with my Dad, ex-boyfriends, friends, etc) to cause me to shut people out.  I have become so good at crafting my facade that the people I meet only really get to see a small portion of who I really am.  Continuing in the vein of my previous post, I think that this is my struggle: Letting people in.  Yesterday, I was talking to my boss about my childhood.  We were talking about how a common acquaintance of ours had dedicated the song "Rich Girl" to me,  jokingly, but that in reality, he probably did think that I was nothing more than a rich girl.  If you know me, you know that is about the furthest from what I am.  I ended up telling my boss about my childhood (at least parts) and opening up to him about my family's financial situations when I was growing up, etc.  After I stopped telling him the story, he looked at me with an appalled look on his face.  I asked him why he had that look, and then asked him if I had ever told him all of that before.  He said that he had never heard any of it.  At that point, I really surprised myself- I have viewed myself for such a long time as being an open, transparent person, but really, all I have done is created a person on the outside that gives the impression on transparency, while really not revealing any of my true feelings or emotions.  This is something, I am sure, that I will struggle with every day, now that I know it is happening.  I just hope that I can have the strength to let people in, regardless of whether I will get hurt or not.  I think that I haven't had a relationship in a long time in part because of this.  Why would God put someone in my life when I won't show them the true 'me'? Why would God waste that person on me, when I have no idea how to show that person who I really am, flaws and scars included?  I know that God wouldn't.  The hard part is accepting that, and moving forward in an authentic and transparent way, being nothing more than who I am, who God created me to be.

Inadequacy

Sometimes in my life, I have days when I think "I can't wait until I can get home and blog about this".  Most often, I get too busy or forget and my blog never gets written.  Today was such a struggle for me, though, that I felt compelled to write.  I have been struggling so much with inadequacy lately.  I work with youth, a calling I feel sure is one of the toughest around.  Not only do I need to provide them spiritual guidance, plan trips and retreats, and be around for them, but I have to have (or appear to have) my stuff together.  For some reason, I feel like I have been living under a veil of ignorance (or something more eloquently titled) for a long time.  I was discussing my spiritual problems with my best friend the other day, and she and I were talking about how much it sucks to be aware of what you're doing wrong.  It seems that up until last year, I was "blissfully ignorant", or maybe I was just better at justifying my mistakes.  My reality all came to a crashing halt on Friday when I made one of the worst choices that I have made in my life.  I don't mean this on a comparative scale, I have surely made far worse choices in the grand scheme of things, but this choice rocked me to my core.  I made a total fool of myself in front of a guy that I care about a lot and want nothing more than to make a good impression on, who is spiritually much more mature than me, in touch with God in a way I yearn for with my whole being.  I am notorious for being exceedingly hard on myself, and this instance is absolutely no exception.  Even though the guy and I have talked about it, and he has thankfully forgiven me, I still am having trouble reconciling this choice with my job, faith and life.  It seems like my mistakes have just been illuminated with a spotlight, and it has sent me into the darkness to try and hide.  What is so ironic about this is that the guy involved in this incident spoke in church this morning about taking your struggles and turning them into something positive.  He played a song after the message called Hide by Joy Williams.  The whole premise of the song is that no matter what you've done, or who you are, you don't have to hide from God.  His message touched so close to home for me - and then to have him have been involved in this situation just magnified it 100 times over again.  What it brought to the surface is many problems inherently within me that I have chosen not to confront over the years.  I constantly think that I have gotten over my baggage of my childhood; what I learn more as I get older is that confronting those problems is an ongoing process.  I am truly inadequate, but thankfully, God provides.  In order for God to become greater, I must become less, Humbly, and obediently.