Today would have been my one year wedding anniversary. This feels strange and foreign to type, because as many know, I didn't get married. I have used this example over and over again, but it seems the most accurate. It was as if I was heading with blinders on down a path with its own unique dreams and desires and one day, like warp speed, my life was completely transported to another different reality with different characters, places, and faces. It is within this new life that I have had to come up with new dreams and new desires.
This past year was supposed to be the year I loved intensely. The year I got to know myself as a married person, and got to know my husband as the one who has committed to love me for life. It didn't turn out just like I wished it would, but this year has arguably gone on with its intense love. While the rest of me was figuring out the logistics, my heart just kept on. Loving.
This year, I have received love. From my parents, who from day one supported and cared for me in a way I have never experienced. To call over 250 people, explain that the wedding was off was a gift that I am just now understanding the magnitude of. From my cousin/best friend/other/sister Sara who let me cry, who put up with my horrible bitterness, feelings of desolation, small victories, large battles, and who helped me settle into this new reality. I can truly say that if Sara hadn't been in my life this past year, I would be a fundamentally different person, and it wouldn't be better.
This year, I have found new love. I started teaching skating and working at a church with people who are following passionately after Jesus. I discovered that 30 minutes on the ice with a 7 year old can be the highlight of my week, and that I have to choose joy every day. The small things are what have come to define my new normal. These small nothings have come to mean so much more to me than so many somethings.
This year, I have given love. I have met new people, reconnected with old friends, and have rejoiced in the fact that even in my brokenness, there exists love that can pour out onto others.
This year could have been a disaster. And, in some ways it was. I decided I was in the business of praying risky prayers quite some time ago, and it has always been my prayer for God to wreck me. To break me of the things I cling to, of the things that are of me. There have been many times this year where I have felt that pieces of myself were being unwillingly wrenched from me. And they have. I believe that some things, as in a refinery, must be painfully separated by fire. But in the midst of this has come immense restoration and healing.
This year, most of all, I have experienced the love of God, my father. I have never been so angry with God in all my life than I have in the past 365 days. Mostly for taking away what I so deeply desired. I have never experienced the father-heart of God more than in the past year where He allowed me time and space to yell and scream and cry and question why this happened. Like a good dad, He continues to ask me to come back.
So, maybe the year didn't go as I planned. But, I have found love and given love, and received love. And that is, after all, all that I ever asked for.
