Getting Into You

A Denmark Shaped Hole in My Heart

So, It just finally hit me today that I am leaving Denmark in less than two weeks.  I am such a mess about it, really.  On December 18, the day I have to leave my new home, I feel certain that someone will have to force me onto the bus, metro, or whatever other form of transportation will take me to the airport.  Thinking about my life without "my Danes", cozy walks through Copenhagen, and all of the sights and sounds that I have become accustomed to makes my heart hurt.  My boss this last summer said something profound to me - She asked me why I thought it was that I liked to move around so much... and at the time, I didn't have an answer.  She suggested that it was perhaps because I want to have wings, and not roots, meaning that I want to experience a lot of things, without pursuing any depth.  At the time, to be candid, I was a little bit offended.  But, I realize now that she was spot-on.  (Actually, as I reluctantly have realized, she was spot on about a lot of things, but I digress).  I have made about 10 times the number of friends in Copenhagen as I have at my home University, have developed those friendships more deeply than hardly any at home, and I finally understand why.  It is because for the first time, possibly ever, I have been unafraid to be myself here.  I'm a mess, and I'm goofy, and I say too much sometimes.  But, I'm me.  And, Copenhagen will forever be inextricably tied to the person I have discovered I am. I have met the most amazing people here, who have, without a doubt, changed me fundamentally as a person.  I have seen the world, not through the eyes of one dreaming, but in reality.  I have gotten so many new perspectives on things... I think that when I land in the US, I will probably have more culture shock than I did when I came to Denmark in the first place.  Sure, I'm excited for a Chipotle burrito and driving my own car, but I would trade it all for a little more time with the people and places I have come to love.  

Calling?

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever.  I have forgotten how therapeutic it can be.  Reading through my old posts, I find it hard to believe what a different place I am in now compared to then.  This summer taught me so much about myself, but as I reflect back upon its impact on me, I still realize how much I have to learn.  I have, recently, been struggling with the idea of calling.  This summer, I waxed and waned between a calling to ministry and a calling to go into medicine.  To tell you the truth, at the end of the summer, I had pretty much convinced myself that a calling into medicine was what I was experiencing.  Now, I have no idea.  I met someone in Denmark who is very much wiser than me, and he and I have been having all sorts of thought provoking and uncomfortable discussions regarding this topic as of late.  I went to Norway last weekend, (which, by the way, was the single best choice I have ever made (yes, I'm serious.  It was that amazing.  You should go...)) Anyway, I was in Norway with this person and he and I got into a conversation about our lives.  At one point he said something to this effect to me: "Look, I don't want to offend you, and maybe you'll think this is a compliment, I'm not sure, but I don't really see you being a doctor." [Cue shock and horror on my face...] and he continued... "I really just, see you being a mom, and being dedicated to your kids.. [cue blank expression/tears welling up in my eyes]... Now, let me tell you, for the past year, I have completely dedicated myself to the idea that I would go to medical school one day, make a life for myself, kiss dating goodbye and be happy ALL of my own accord.  I had convinced myself that I wouldn't have kids, because I had also simultaneously convinced myself that I didn't want a husband, because I would never take the time to get to know one.  I was going to be that independent.  Ha. Well, unfortunately, the things that we project to the world and the things that operate within our minds are never quite the same, or at least in my case they are rarely the same... I have been struggling with this very question/issue for a while.  I don't see how it would be plausible to be a mom and a doctor both - at least not the kind of mom and doctor I want to be.  I had convinced myself that I didn't want kids - but, if you ask anyone that I know, they would probably tell you that having kids is one of the first things they would expect me to do.  And, to tell you the truth, its one of the first things I would expect myself to do.  I feel very anti-feminist saying this, but the truth is, I want to be a mom, and I want to be a good mom on top of it.  And, I just don't see how having a career where I spend 80+ hours a week at the hospital is going to accommodate that.  Getting back to what this person said... I had no real response to it, except to look dumbfounded (cute, right...? not.) and to say, "I don't know". The truth is, not being successful scares the crap out of me.  I often wonder if being a mom will be enough.  I look at the amazing job that my mom did (with very little, oftentimes) and admire her so much.  But is she fulfilled? I don't know.  I don't know if she'd feel differently if she had a career as well.  So, now I'm in the process of figuring crap out.  I have absolutely no idea where all of this is leading me.  Maybe it IS to med school, maybe the peace corps, maybe to youth ministry, maybe something that I can't even imagine.  What I do know is that verbalizing it (and having someone that doesn't even know me that well, thank you very much) pointing it out to me is even scarier.  All I know now is that I had a little chat with God the other night where I told him that where he wanted me to go, I would follow.  Which, is one of the scariest conversations of my life, I will assure you.  So until then, I'm just trying to hang in there and see what comes of it all.  

Desire

Desire.  A word with many connotations, I'm sure.  The connotation I'm currently thinking about could be applied to many situations, but what initially got me thinking about it was a relationship.  I have found myself yelling at God a lot lately, because something that I have wanted desperately has been just hanging out in front of me with no resolution for the better part of a month.  I've been angry at God because I could not (until this point) see what the point in me desiring something is that I can not have.  It's very frustrating to be a control freak (or a recovering one, as I like to think) in this kind of situation.  It is the kind of situation, of course, that I dread the most.  Doing everything I can do to control a situation, being driven by desire, or whatever it is, and not being able to get the outcome I want.  This has been one of the most difficult lessons to learn by far, but that is an entirely other post.  I got to arguing with God about the purpose of desire because I didn't see what kind of constructive purpose it serves.  I think that especially in my life, desire frequently gives way to an unhealthy desire. I get driven to do something (or have something) and I get fixated on it; I can't see any alternatives other than the outcome I think should happen.  This definitely makes me miss possibilities that I should pay attention to, and makes me hold on to ones that are implausible.  I have really struggled with this.  After a lot of prayer and reflection, I have realized, however, that desire is put in our hearts by God, whether it is desire for a person or for a career or for anything else in our lives.  Desire, at least the kind that lives in our heart of hearts, IS created by God, it just may point in directions other than the ones we readily see.  This is tough, but I think it answers the question of why we desire (even things that seem totally unavailable to us).  I just hope that in the future, I can not invest myself so much in the things that I want and listen more to WHY God is putting that desire in my life in the first place. 

Relationships

I have been thinking about relationships so much lately.  Most importantly, my relationship with God, but also relationships with friends, boys, past romantic relationships, and how all of these things have made me who I am today.  I have talked with several people recently about the function of relationships.  I thought for a long time that it was possible (and good) to get through life letting the fewest number of people in.  I have no idea when this happened to me.  I used to love extravagantly, completely, with my whole being.  When did I get cynical and shut other people out? I worked with a guy (who, speaking honestly, I was totally crazy about), and I used to talk to him all the time about why he wouldn't open up to me (or anybody else, for that matter).  I came to find out that he had gotten burned badly (mostly due to his own bad relationship decisions).  I used to pity him.  I thought, how in the world could he keep it all in, fitting barriers around his heart so that nobody can ever see totally inside? It is only recently that I have realized that I have become the same as him.  I have allowed my bitterness over previously failed relationships (with my Dad, ex-boyfriends, friends, etc) to cause me to shut people out.  I have become so good at crafting my facade that the people I meet only really get to see a small portion of who I really am.  Continuing in the vein of my previous post, I think that this is my struggle: Letting people in.  Yesterday, I was talking to my boss about my childhood.  We were talking about how a common acquaintance of ours had dedicated the song "Rich Girl" to me,  jokingly, but that in reality, he probably did think that I was nothing more than a rich girl.  If you know me, you know that is about the furthest from what I am.  I ended up telling my boss about my childhood (at least parts) and opening up to him about my family's financial situations when I was growing up, etc.  After I stopped telling him the story, he looked at me with an appalled look on his face.  I asked him why he had that look, and then asked him if I had ever told him all of that before.  He said that he had never heard any of it.  At that point, I really surprised myself- I have viewed myself for such a long time as being an open, transparent person, but really, all I have done is created a person on the outside that gives the impression on transparency, while really not revealing any of my true feelings or emotions.  This is something, I am sure, that I will struggle with every day, now that I know it is happening.  I just hope that I can have the strength to let people in, regardless of whether I will get hurt or not.  I think that I haven't had a relationship in a long time in part because of this.  Why would God put someone in my life when I won't show them the true 'me'? Why would God waste that person on me, when I have no idea how to show that person who I really am, flaws and scars included?  I know that God wouldn't.  The hard part is accepting that, and moving forward in an authentic and transparent way, being nothing more than who I am, who God created me to be.

Inadequacy

Sometimes in my life, I have days when I think "I can't wait until I can get home and blog about this".  Most often, I get too busy or forget and my blog never gets written.  Today was such a struggle for me, though, that I felt compelled to write.  I have been struggling so much with inadequacy lately.  I work with youth, a calling I feel sure is one of the toughest around.  Not only do I need to provide them spiritual guidance, plan trips and retreats, and be around for them, but I have to have (or appear to have) my stuff together.  For some reason, I feel like I have been living under a veil of ignorance (or something more eloquently titled) for a long time.  I was discussing my spiritual problems with my best friend the other day, and she and I were talking about how much it sucks to be aware of what you're doing wrong.  It seems that up until last year, I was "blissfully ignorant", or maybe I was just better at justifying my mistakes.  My reality all came to a crashing halt on Friday when I made one of the worst choices that I have made in my life.  I don't mean this on a comparative scale, I have surely made far worse choices in the grand scheme of things, but this choice rocked me to my core.  I made a total fool of myself in front of a guy that I care about a lot and want nothing more than to make a good impression on, who is spiritually much more mature than me, in touch with God in a way I yearn for with my whole being.  I am notorious for being exceedingly hard on myself, and this instance is absolutely no exception.  Even though the guy and I have talked about it, and he has thankfully forgiven me, I still am having trouble reconciling this choice with my job, faith and life.  It seems like my mistakes have just been illuminated with a spotlight, and it has sent me into the darkness to try and hide.  What is so ironic about this is that the guy involved in this incident spoke in church this morning about taking your struggles and turning them into something positive.  He played a song after the message called Hide by Joy Williams.  The whole premise of the song is that no matter what you've done, or who you are, you don't have to hide from God.  His message touched so close to home for me - and then to have him have been involved in this situation just magnified it 100 times over again.  What it brought to the surface is many problems inherently within me that I have chosen not to confront over the years.  I constantly think that I have gotten over my baggage of my childhood; what I learn more as I get older is that confronting those problems is an ongoing process.  I am truly inadequate, but thankfully, God provides.  In order for God to become greater, I must become less, Humbly, and obediently.  

Back to Florida

In Florida... Finally.  The trip here was significantly more eventful than last year's.  I cracked one of my molars the week before finals (eek!) and was thankful to find the greatest/most flexible dentist in the Dallas area who put a rush on my crown so that I could get it before I left for Florida/Denmark.  It's so great to have people around you who genuinely want to help... but, I digress.  I had to have my crown put in the morning I left Dallas and thankfully accompanying me on my journey was my cousin/best friend Sara.  She gassed the car up, and got things all ready while I visited the dentist.  I drove the return trip from Sarasota last year by myself in one day- not the smartest of ideas, I will assure you! We made it to Pensacola the first night (after many excited squeals from Sara and a plethora of interesting road signs) to stay with my Uncle and Aunt.  That was an experience all in itself, as we stayed in their motor home since they had just moved into a new house a month ago.  On Friday morning we woke up, ready to hit the road for the last leg of our journey, and lo and behold, there was a massive rainstorm moving through the area.  We decided to leave right then (thinking we could outrun it (ha!))- about three hours later we had only gone 100 miles because the rain was so heavy we couldn't see the road! We could hardly see the front of the car! It was intense, but we finally got to Sara's destination, Clearwater, which is a suburb Northwest of Tampa.  She is working as an intern just like me at a church up there.  The church seems like it will be an amazing fit for her, and we got to meet a few of the students she will be working with, which was equally awesome.  Saturday morning I headed down to my neck of the woods, Lakewood Ranch.  This is the second year I've worked here.  I work as an intern in the youth department in a church.  Last summer was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had, so naturally, when they offered me the position again this summer, I instantly said yes.  This year, the general ministry intern (from Duke) and I are living with an older lady who is a member of the church.  She is an absolute sweetheart, has a huge house (the other intern and I each get our own rooms) with a swimming pool.  Above all, she is extremely nice; she cooked us dinner the first night here, and it was delicious! Today marked my first official day as an intern again, and it was so great to see my students from last year!  The other intern and I were introduced at both worship services this morning, I attended sunday school, and Sunday evening youth activities.  I just got home from my day- youth ministry is many things, but it is certainly not relaxing!  I'm tired and tomorrow is my first real day in the office, so I'm calling it a night- 

General Conference

This last week I went to the 2008 General Conference of the United Methodist Church. It was fortunately (for me at least) held in Ft. Worth, so it was really easy for me to get over 4 or 5 times. As a first time visitor to conference, I was absolutely stunned. For you non-Methodists, I'll briefly give you the lowdown. Every four years, an elected body (composed of half-clergy (pastors), and half- lay (non pastors)) come together to decide what 'we' as the 'United Methodist Church' believe. This is one of the most remarkable features (to me at least) of the UMC. The church is committed to reaching people in the most effective way possible, and additionally, is committed to moving "with the times" on appropriate issues (see the definition of appropriate later!). I got to hear debate about apportionment dollars (from the word portion- kind of like income tax for churches, except if you don't pay it, the church doesn't come after you), homosexuality (a guaranteed hot topic), the definitions of local and lay pastors and their rights and responsibilities, as well as the status and role of young people in the church. I am a self-proclaimed conference nerd, having attended annual conference (similar to general conference, but usually on a state level) from a young age. I love to hear debates, peoples' opinions, and experience how different cultures interact with one another. No surprise I ended up studying anthropology in college, but I digress... What was the most amazing thing to me was the immense cultural difference represented in the delegates. The UMC has a presence in 60 (ish?) countries around the world, from Angola to the Philippines, Denmark to Germany. What is so remarkable to me is that people come speaking numerous different languages, having different opinions and ideas about things, and yet, they are all united under a common denominator. I could look at the African brothers and sisters and know that while I may not be able to say 'hello' to them, we had an understanding and commitment to the ideals that John Wesley set forth long ago. The first day I was there, I went to a women's welcome luncheon with one of the pastors at the church I serve in the summer. First off, going around with her was absolutely incredible. She is connected out the gazoo- I met pastors, delegates and district superintendents (the administrators (who are pastors) over a city or region within the annual conference) from Virginia, Georgia, the Philippines, the Pacific Northwest and Colorado, all in a span of a couple of hours. Additionally, the keynote speaker for the luncheon was a dynamic woman who challenged women to take an active role in ministry, and to not live with a spirit of timidity, but with one of boldness. It was really an empowering moment for me (and makes me question my choice to not pursue full-time ministry immensely). Overall, it was a really great experience. One frustrating moment that I observed: the church was examining changing its stance on the ordination (to be made a pastor) and role within the church of homosexual, trans-gendered and bisexual persons. This debate is obviously a hot one, one which is currently causing quite a bit of division in the Episcopalian church- One day I got there right as a 15 minute recess for a 'witness' was being granted. I quickly found out that the witness was a mourning by homosexual, bi-sexual, and trans-gendered individuals that the previous day's resolution regarding these persons didn't change the current language in the social principles or book of discipline. The two pastors on either side of me stood up when the witnesses took the floor, and I instinctively stood up with them. My boss leaned over and asked me if I knew why I was standing. I observed that only about half of the persons in the auditorium were standing as the processional passed by me. I quickly realized that those standing were standing in support of these persons. I stayed standing. I suppose this tells you much about my political and theological leanings, but I had never been more convicted to do anything in my life. I will certainly address this issue further in another post, but the moral of the story is, that it made me sad to see that half of the persons in the auditorium couldn't (or wouldn't) stand in support of these persons. Even if you don't support a belief, you should at minimum support an individual, who is a unique creation of God. Anyway, this is long, and I could ramble forever. More adventures from GC to come. Also, countdown to Florida is currently at 9 days! Holy Smoke! I can't wait. It's ridiculous, really.

This Very Moment

"If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you,
Loving every breath of you,
Why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day when dreaming ends?"

Tonight I'm watching Moulin Rouge, and this is by far one of my favorite quotes of all time. I have actually been pondering this quote for a few days, and I think that there is no more appropriate time than Valentine's Day to contemplate this idea. What is completeness? I think that for many, this is the ultimate goal of life, whether it is realized as such or not. If you've not seen the movie, I would highly suggest not reading the rest of this post. If you have, however, you know that this story is an immense tragedy, but, that the main characters unquestionably loved each other for the brief time they spend together. I suppose I must contradict myself on my previous posting and defer to my "hopeless romantic tendencies". The meaning that I get from this quote is that living on dreams, or dreading the end of those dreams is futile. If we don't live in the present moment, then we might miss being "wrapped in the warmth of somebody else" (whether that be a romantic love or other). Completeness, at least as stated in the quote, is a current state of affairs. I don't think that you can be complete if you're placing your hopes on some future (or past) state of affairs, dreams, or unrealized hopes. All we have is the present moment. Why not allow ourselves to be happy right now- without all the conditions and stipulations? Christian (the lead male character) ends up going through a horrible experience. The woman he loves dies in the end, and he is sent into an intense depression. Many would argue that because of his involvement with a "forbidden woman", one who he "should have left alone", that he finds himself in the depths of despair. I would argue, however, that Christian did the right thing. Not knowing the future, he dedicated himself totally and completely to the present moment and what he really wanted. He ultimately had an experience that was so rich and full and... complete, if you will, that he was fulfilled- even for just a short time.

Finding "The One"

Lately, I have been contemplating this very expression a lot. Everywhere I go, I seem to encounter bitter, lonely, sad people who hold on to 'hope' of finding the ultimate person that they need to make them happy. They justify their current unhappiness by saying something to the effect of "well, someday I'll find the one" or "I know he's out there somewhere", or something similar. I, being a hopeless romantic, used to buy into this notion- completely. I, along with other love deprived individuals would lament my singleness, but secretly hold out for the guy who would "complete me". I have to say now, that I think that this notion is total crap. When did we start needing someone else to make us happy, or to complete us? When did it become a good idea to invest our happiness in an individual who may not even currently be in our lives, (and for that matter, may never be)? An aspect that I hadn't considered, but that was brought up to me (in form of a sermon at Wesley...) was that our goal in life, and our happiness, shouldn't be centered around somebody else. It should be centered around God. Lately, I haven't been all up on the God train too much (which I'm really trying to work on), but I just thought that this was such a novel notion. Anyway- for me, I'm trying so hard to just be content with me- with my successes, happiness, and goals. Because, ultimately, that's all I have. I can't invest my hopes and dreams in something that's outside myself.